What's really behind our not wanting to "put ourselves out there"?

Please note: this post does not advocate for only ONE specific way of approaching how we are in the world. The aim is to provide an additional perspective, that may have been missing from our current discussions, however, each one of us must ultimately choose that which resonates for us the most.

On the message of “Making your authentic self more visible” on social media

Something I see almost daily across my social networks, though more so recently than before, is a message of encouragement: to “Start putting yourself out there”…or “Make yourself more visible…” or “How to overcome fears of visibility”…and “Make your voice heard”…as well as “Unleash your voice and authenticity”.

This has been hitting home for me, as a sensitive, introverted being, who loves people, enjoys to ponder about many things and to share insights within her networks. To put it simply, I love a good 2-way communication and to learn as a result.

Yet, I have also resisted adding to the flood of information out there. At first, I rationalised it for myself, as a way of protecting others from the informational overload and saving precious resources (which are required to run the servers which hold all of our posts and data in the cloud). 

But I know I wasn’t fully honest with myself, because, yes, I too was feeling the fear of being seen, judged, rejected and outright ridiculed- by the way, all normal reactions too.

There is truth to this trend we are seeing. We do desperately need more balanced voices out there in the sea of shouting and emotional reactivity, egoic expressions seeking validation (and monetisation). More thoughtful, balanced voices.. Trick the algorithms somehow- they thrive on reactivity and lack of nuance. Turn the tide. The voices which by their nature (and by nature of algorithms that amplify the outrage and hate) tend to be the quietest.

If we could all just simply do more of it, then why don’t we?

And yet, the message we keep seeing seems to imply that for many there is often a barrier to “put ourselves out there”, to get out of our proverbial caves and to start “shining our light”. Otherwise, surely we would all be doing it already?

However what I have increasingly felt is that something was missing here… Surely, if someone just wanted to speak up and share from their authentic perspective, they would have already done so? Then why is it so hard for many, myself included?

So I wanted to combine my professional training in trauma-informed approaches with my personal experience to understand this better.

I am sure that there is not one single reason applicable to all. It doesn’t usually work like this. So the context described here might be helpful to some of us, and not others.  

On being pulled in opposite directions

I will start with a very useful psychological concept in professional coaching, called “competing commitments”. These are underlying, often unconscious priorities and drives that might arise in one person simultaneously, which literally end up pulling us in opposite directions. It was defined by developmental psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey in their Harvard Business Review article. The authors theorise that a person can resist change for reasons beyond just inertia or procrastination. And even with a conscious commitment to change, the person might still be subconsciously committed to NOT changing- just not say it out loud to others or even themselves. And there is often a very very good reason for it. 

One example they provide is a passionate employee, committed to teamwork, and yet who is equally dedicated to avoiding conflict- something that naturally arises among a diverse group of people. This conflict avoidance leads to the employee becoming uncollaborative and distant. For them, avoiding conflict is either just as important or even more so, therefore stalling their conscious objective of increasing active participation with the team. 

So we see the two competing commitments- a conscious one being greater participation, with the unconscious drive being to preserve harmony at all costs. 

And this happens more often than we realise.

Personal lived experience adds an important layer to understanding of the opposing forces in us

I remember as a teenage immigrant from a former Soviet Republic to England, speaking out at school was never my forte. I was shy, highly conscious of my “embarrassing” accent and thought everyone around me in my all girls grammar school was just so incredibly more smart. The usual teenage “fitting in” concerns, compounded by a disconnect from my community of people, my culture of origin and language. 

Somehow though I didn’t grow out of it when I hit the 20s, with university life and later on professional career as an auditor in the Big 4 firm. I was living alone, family all far away, though with friends and colleagues who were supportive. 

Looking back, I see that fawning or people pleasing was my to go-to strategy- a way to adapt and survive where I was still strongly feeling the lack of internal resources and external understanding and support.

So later on when working with my own executive coach, I will never forget him telling me “just be more assertive”. For a young professional, navigating the corporate landscape and still wanting to fit in, be valued and accepted, this sounded pretty solid. So I tried to be that.. To follow what someone else believed should work.

(By the way, while well intentioned, a coach following ethical guidelines should not be telling you something like this- but hey, I didn’t know that back then).

There were the usual fears for me that were keeping me back: fear of being misunderstood, judged, rejected. For a single person now living in a big, vibrant city of Paris, this felt palpably and excruciatingly painful, even as just a remote possibility. I had only myself to rely on.

But there was also something else: the very powerful urge to protect myself. This for me at least, was my competing commitment against the need to speak out, be more visible and more assertive. Because I believed this might cost me my job somehow, and without supportive networks (family or rooted community) this was equivalent in my mind and my cells to not surviving at all.

Now, a decade and a half after, and many years of self-reflection and understanding of my family history, I believe that this competing commitment that was keeping me small and protected was not fully disconnected from what my family of origin had had to endure centuries before that. 

Often our painful stories extend beyond ourselves into past generations

My maternal line comes from Ashkenazi Jews, who were living in Imperialist Russia. Meanwhile my biological father’s line includes many ancestors who were peasants in that same period Russia. 

For my Jewish ancestors surviving major traumatic events such as taking away of all family possessions, arrests and being sent into exile to their deaths, as well as a constant need for migration due to exclusion zones and pogroms was a lived reality. 

For my ancestors who worked the land, they typically had limited rights too and struggled with poverty. Their children and grandchildren then became Soviet citizens surviving the Bolshevik Revolution and Stalin’s and Soviet repressions.

We now know through the study of epigenetics that such major stressful life events can become fortified in our cells, the extreme survival and need for self-protection shaping us as well as future generations, but also passing on developed protective mechanisms.

For example, this can look like amplified fears and anxiety passed on down generations, manifesting as daily reminders to “always be careful”, ensure safety and protection first and foremost, and not standing up to the authority, even if they’re clearly wrong- actual examples of what I had inherited.

These fears are also our important protective parts to be acknowledged and welcomed

In the Internal Family Systems (IFS) developed by Richard Schwartz, you work with such protective internal elements or parts of our psyche. They are there to keep us safe, mostly protecting the vulnerable parts of ourselves. 

And while we live in a vastly different world today than our ancestors (or do we?), the vulnerable parts ARE there, possibly still carrying the hurt and injustices endured by the past generations.  

So our Protective parts have developed to SUPPORT us- and yes, this may look like holding us back, not speaking out when we feel like it, not sharing our gifts or light with the world. This is their role. We need to respect that, tune into that, not go against that, against our wiser nature but work WITH it. 

Then, when we acknowledge these parts, gradually, magic can happen, they soften, we might start to feel safer, and then authentically, naturally start step by step emerging from our caves, start getting curious, not just protective. It will be a natural process, not forced, according to someone else’s wishes. 

From my personal and professional experience, for many of us I believe we do need to acknowledge these underlying truths and our inner parts first- without that it might be hard to move forward in the direction we want.

There is a lot more to say on this topic, as well as on the individual elements mentioned above. If you have any comments or questions, I believe I will be continuing these reflections, as they are not only deeply personal but also playing out in the collective field. So, your questions or comments can guide this explorative direction for any future blog articles.

Thank you for taking time to read.